2.03am, 25 March

T’was an evening of D Rice’s TBD and scenes of Closer running in his head. Then, faces of women he was attracted to recently flashed in his head before the face of an actress lingered. It was a close-up of her face and just below her left eye, there was the streak of a teardrop which carried bits of her mascara down her cheek.

A scene perhaps he could write about appeared in his head. It would have been about how a woman was meeting a man she loved for the past six years. When once they were so much in love as youths, their lives now meant nothing to each other anymore. The jokes that they giggled over lost their humour through time. They might yet live to regret it, but for now, it was the pain that drove her to make the decision that they should and must part. The man, realising only now how different their lives are, looked pensively at the cup of latte before him. He couldn’t say a word because he too was in pain. He knew she was right but he couldn’t understand how he would have to cope with all the memories of the six years.

Laid before him tomorrow would possibly be another first step — to happiness and the path to pain. He knew that the pain he had to deal with every night would one day be amplified by someone whom he would have to share his life with for love’s sake. It was, at the same time, a glimmer of hope; a sliver lining amongst the clouds and the promise of heartache, disappointment and loneliness.

He remember how a couple of months ago, he declared how a two-year curse was broken unceremoniously. Tomorrow would be when he would take his first few steps towards breaking a curse that has lasted and tortured him for the greater part of his life. He was unsure if he has anything left that he could offer. Like the uncertainty he felt during the recent trip, he has no idea how much there is left inside him that can make someone feel loved, like no other man did before he came into her life.

The romantic notions of love, he thought. These thoughts were borne out of a man who has never loved or been loved tangibly in return. Perhaps he might be considered by some as one whose emotional state has remained unchanged for decades. But he hadn’t an idea how he could change or make his first steps towards the eventual paradigm shift for his life.

D Rice’s TBD is playing for the nth time on his iTunes. Someone commented how this was depressing for a Friday night. She might not know that it has become very much a norm for him.

“Life goes easy on me… most of the time…”

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