The silence that filled the past two months is not an indication of the uneventful nature of my life. Everything happens in a day and it is merely a matter of how one chooses to stop to smell the roses, observe the little nuances in body language of a young couple in love whom you passed or watch the elderly woman lovingly but painstakingly wipe the perspiration off the brow of her grandson’s.
Everything in life happens (or does not happen) for a reason.
On the request of colleagues after a hearty dinner last week, we trawled the back alleys of Geylang where women barely into their adulthoods lined the streets, cajoling men who ogled at them openly by touching their arms. A younger version of me would have entertained all thoughts about the story behind each face, each tale about an unreasonable client or the kind of dreams of the life each of them would rather lead.
In between the bits of trivia supplied by colleagues, I nodded, smiled and walked on, avoiding any eye contact with any of the girls and ready to squirm the moment my arms receive a gentle but tempting brush from their hands. It is a trade between two parties with nary an emotion involved or that it only satisfies needs albeit differently.
“But there’s something I really need to know cos it’s been bugging me. Have you ever liked me before, in a special way?”
The answer came to mind pretty quickly. But it wasn’t one easy to send out.
Yup, I think I did.
And it prompted another message from me, as if it had to be said. That was, when I sent the quote of the day.
Before I could send it out, his reply below reached me.
“Do you still? Cos lately whenever I think of you I’d wish I could be a jumper(sidenote: the movie, geddit? Uhm… Yah… I know… Er), and just teleport to be beside you both.”
“At what point really?”
I thought hard. Though it was easy to say at which point it was, but I think it all boiled down to how every element just fell into place and made things irreversible.
Too many things had happened. Bad timing, people. All are contributing factors there isn’t really much point going into it.
“Can I have a chance of you liking me again?”
I honestly can’t answer the question. I think some things are just too late.
“I don’t like to be pressured, so I won’t give you pressure. In the past I always thought you didn’t like me enough, so I wasn’t honest with my feelings. Guess I was dumb on my part. Oh well, gonna miss those times we talked and laughed… It was good while it lasted.”
So I guess, this was the closure we both needed.
I believe those times can still happen between us as friends. It was nice, indeed.
We have the stories of our lives, which raise more questions about “what should have been” and conjure fantasies of perhaps a different life.
So is it a case of capre diem to ward off a season or even a lifetime of regrets?