From the AOT archives: Change

Introduction: 3 April 2009

This is an interesting entry called “Change” which I wrote seven years ago this day. Since I thought the response to this entry was meaningful, I’ve included the comments from people who read enough of this entry to share their thoughts.

Have a good weekend, dear reader.

***

Change
3 April 2002

It’s amazing how time changes a person and how exposure to a different environment polishes off the rough edges of one’s talents.

There are times when I reflect upon my life and the things that I have achieved. When I was a young lad, there were moments when I wished I was born into a rich man’s family. When that did not materialise, I wished I was some lost son of a rich man and I was swopped by a careless nurse at birth.

Like all self-created fairy tales, I did not get the ending to life that I wanted.

Despite telling myself otherwise, crying over split milk (some puddles split as far back as 1978) happens way too often. It is not a particularly reassuring thought when, after 26 years of existence, one fails to recall a particular achievement in life that I can be proud of.

I’m not practising the Christian mantra of being humble. I have learnt that false humility puts people off, majorly at times.

I derived no pleasure in sweeping three awards at school while I was 14 – Story-Teller, Story-writing and Best Debate Team. I came from a crappy school where the top student from the best class would probably struggle in any of the worst classes in the top ten schools in Singapore. Not surprisingly, the school’s now a flat piece of land and was never listed as one of the Top 40 schools.

That’s all that I can think of. The rest of my life, sad to say, is about struggles, struggles and more struggles. Filled with blood, tears and sweat, but no fruits.

Twenty-seven. That’s how long I’ve lived and I really wonder how I would describe my life when I reach fifty-four.

With the recent crisis, it suddenly dawned on me that if not for my spiritual beliefs, I would become a mental patient. Depression is not exactly a pleasant experience, more so, when you find yourself boxed in.

Voluntarily.

I no longer trust my friends. Either they leak out stuff they should not say, or they condescendingly tell you things you already know…

Me: Am I a good friend?:P
*long pause*
Someone (not E): Har??wat type of question is that?

I did not get a response. So, I said…

Me: April Fool!

*weak smile*

Now, the only thing I wish for is to have the courage to change my life. I want to be child-like again. I want to be able to see the innocence of this world without allowing skepticism to take over. I want to be able to trust friends again, without living in fear that I may be betrayed.

I want to love again, without having to worry about the possibility that one day, love will leave me.

But that’s just not possible, isn’t it?

***

Now, I despise myself for crying last night.

Life can be a joke sometimes.

***

Comments:

delwen: (04/03/2002 06:18:06 PM)

sigh.. many a times i felt like you, fucked not once not twice but many times over by this kind of issues that plauged me n caused me depression till i finally learned to harden myself and become extremely nonchalent to objects around me, my only retaliation to things that shouldnt happen to me is rebellion and cynicism. As of late, i started to open myself up becoz i dont believe in losing myself to small trivialities. My approach is now altruism. I believe the world could still be beautiful and for you, treasure in what you already have and not what you cannot live without.

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areya: (04/03/2002 09:49:54 PM)

I agree with Delwen :)
“The happiest of people don’t neccessarily have the best of everything. They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.”
Kan4 kai1 yi4 dian3, as my old friends used to tell me.
(er, I hope that’s not useless advice ;p)
—–

Jude: (04/04/2002 09:38:19 AM)

at some point of time in our life, we are always wishing for something very different from what we have now. Thats human nature. I do not know why u view frenship as something fake, maybe cos the type of ppl u mix around with have fake as their middle name. Everyone is of a different nature. there are times when we are much stronger than the rest, and times when we are more vulnerable. As long as we come off it stronger and learning something.

what am i toking abt…. i dunno how to comfort you well the way u comforted me, but i just wanna say that though we only know each other thru blogging, this frenship can always turn into real as long as u’re willing to give it a try. :) And u did, that night, dint u? :)

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Lois: (04/04/2002 09:47:54 AM)

on del’s hardening of oneself. from my material engrg i learnt that the harder one is dun mean one is stronger but more brittle when facing an impact. ho tai erm ho siek.

on the other hand i agree wif her that u shld look at wat u have and not dwell on the lost or unobtainables, is not healthy in any sense.

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Verda: (04/04/2002 10:45:26 AM)

Same thoughts before and still thinking of that now. But we can either stick to just dreaming of it or just walked on… I know it sounds cruel. but why dwell on the past and wants in life when u know it is out of reach?

One Comment

  1. Jude

    You sure that comment was from me??

    My gosh, what kind of short spelling was i using?

    cringe-worthy indeed.

    Dude, we’ve been virtual friends since 2002. That’s a lonnnnngg time!

    psst: I’m going sydney (finally) in June :)

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