It’s nice to have found the way to her heart and my anchor there. I’ve heard her daily professions of love and returned them in kind; most of the time, they are without words.
We’ve settled. In. Down. And (relatively) well.
But the dilemma exists: A change she desired, which were seeds that I have earlier sown, would mean a disruption to the “only the two of us in our own worlds” serenity we have enjoyed so far. I desire it too but many considerations are holding me back. The biggest one is physical, which is actually linked to the psychological and my childhood.
This alone can destroy us and the world we have painstakingly shaped together. And sometimes, I find myself at a loss in finding ways to deal with this on my own. To involve her would be unfair. 
Yet she continues to yearn, pine and desire. 
I’m almost helpless in fulfilling them. And probably us.
Whenever I gaze at her her sleeping frame, I think about how much I want her to enjoy rather than to suffer, and how much I want to give her. I cast envious thoughts of women who have “made it” as tai-tais, and I admonish myself for not being someone can do it for her.
But this certainly is my cross to carry and bear. And until such time when we can and have reached the pinnacle of our relationship.