Felt like I was disconnected from the rest of the world without internet access for the entire day. So while things were happening in the capital city of a neighbouring country, I was plodding through a nine-hour work day, trying to understand how things work at the new place.
It wasn’t all that bad. I managed to observe things that I wouldn’t have picked up otherwise since I spent almost all of my time at work being isolated from the rest of the general populace. Basically, it’s about working style and personality. From day one, I know full well that I had my way of getting into the groove of things. I value substance over everything else. Therefore, instead of small talk, I simply smile and keep quiet, letting others dominate a conversation.
I want the proof of my abilities to be in the pudding. I’m not looking to gain popularity.
Modus operandi of a typical introvert? I’m not sure. But I know that this behaviour will allow many people to think that I’m some sort of a Heathcliff – broody types who smother in the background while the rest of the world around them laugh out of politeness, mutter the over-used word “cheers” and clink their champagne glasses.
I could never love people openly, although I feel for those who should be given some love and compassion. Whenever I hear or read of such people, my mind will go into a bit of an overdrive, thinking about how I should be their voice and tell their stories. So that somewhere, somehow, someone would give the gift the love they are so deprived of.
But because of the need to erect those high walls, I became wary of allowing my heart to grow too soft. I would be reminded time and again of faces – belonging to people whom I’ve reached out to only to get a rejection, no response, or worse, nonchalance. These thoughts pull my hand back the next time round when I want to offer something – whatever I can – in love. I don’t like being spurned.
Then again, I’m not some saint. I’m capable of evil. I’m capable of inflicting pain and hurt. I’m more than able to get someone to shed tears.
Tonight, I think of the people I’ve tried connecting with again. As the face of each person – who simply doesn’t bother anymore – comes to my mind, I wonder why they’ve not chosen to walk together with me on this journey a little longer. Is it fate? Is it something I’ve done? Is there something they no longer value?
Funny enough, I have things to say to them, unfinished words, phrases and sentences. Just that they either didn’t have the chance to say “goodbye” or took the chance to slip away.