Status-conscious self

A week ago, I was invited for mahjong (en vogue hobby for the moment) at a friend’s. Winning about seven odd dollars wasn’t the highlight of the seven-hour game. Instead, it was the awkward silence following the question “Are you a lawyer?” that was posed to me. It was a natural question to ask since my three other opponents were from that profession.

Perhaps the highlight of that game for them was the blush that flushed on my face as I muttered a “no” and quickly lowered my gaze.

Harder to live; harder to smile

Most of the sites I visited had people penning their reminiscences of 2007. After all, 365 days to a year would provide loads to remember, lessons to be learnt, and goodbyes to be said (silently or otherwise).

Days before the eve, I was mired knee-deep in a dilemma. The invitation was to a gathering at a friend’s, where there was a chance when everyone would reflect and share about the year that would pass us soon. As much as I wanted to spend the momentous occasion of the changing of the year with friends, thinking back about how horrible the year has been could cripple me emotionally for the next few days.

If I had a word I could use safely to sum up the year that flew past, it would be “heavy”. I spent most of my 2007 trying to figure out a way to rid the heaviness in my heart and my steps that permeated almost every aspect of my life. Even the bright spark of watching bits of my work performed failed to provide enough joy to end the year. Silence is all I can hear after the laughter has died and words faded away with the winds of time.

For as long as I can remember, there hasn’t been any year since the turn of the century that has been good for me. I don’t have that many wishes for 2008 except for my sanity to be treated gentler than the nine years that preceded it.

Even for that, I don’t have high hopes.