It’s nice to have found the way to her heart and my anchor there. I’ve heard her daily professions of love and returned them in kind; most of the time, they are without words.
We’ve settled. In. Down. And (relatively) well.
But the dilemma exists: A change she desired, which were seeds that I have earlier sown, would mean a disruption to the “only the two of us in our own worlds” serenity we have enjoyed so far. I desire it too but many considerations are holding me back. The biggest one is physical, which is actually linked to the psychological and my childhood.
This alone can destroy us and the world we have painstakingly shaped together. And sometimes, I find myself at a loss in finding ways to deal with this on my own. To involve her would be unfair. 
Yet she continues to yearn, pine and desire. 
I’m almost helpless in fulfilling them. And probably us.
Whenever I gaze at her her sleeping frame, I think about how much I want her to enjoy rather than to suffer, and how much I want to give her. I cast envious thoughts of women who have “made it” as tai-tais, and I admonish myself for not being someone can do it for her.
But this certainly is my cross to carry and bear. And until such time when we can and have reached the pinnacle of our relationship. 

Tales from the dungeon

Today I learned that, amidst the budget cuts, the COWs saw it fit to piss away thousands of dollars down the drain. Whether or not this will cause some consternation for the Lead Idiot, it is debatable because the chances of her checking the accounts are close to zero [1]. In a way, I expected it because there were hints of incompetence and attempts to cover all of these up [2]. 
It’s tempting to say I pity the Lead Idiot when, for all of her attempts to run this tight ship, it is leaking at places. For all of her good intentions and adopting the pop corporate psychology methods of the day / moment / minute, there is no focus on getting the basics right and blind to every essential need that has to be addressed. But really, I don’t. 
Can’t really say honestly that I wish her (and most of them) well. Sure things will chug along well enough but there is only so much space under the carpet for people to sweep things. As much as I can say nothing should surprise me anymore, I find it a little hard to believe that there are people who can sleep well at night knowing that they just flushed thousands of dollars down the drain for the company.
And it’s no wonder the company has been in the red for the longest of time when there is incompetence and dishonesty. 
[1] She’s blur like that — can be easily hoodwinked.
[2] And so my sudden introduction to the “ecosystem” could have caused enough upheaval (and perhaps some gnashing of teeth) and anxiety amongst the COWs that, to save their skins, they had to resort to extreme and (in some jurisdictions) illegal actions. Their objective (which they have accomplished) is to have me leave.

What a difference a year makes

It’s funny to have someone thinking about you. 
It’s funny to get this strangely wistful feeling when reading about events for singles.
It’s funny to spy with a little eye the stalks of roses hanging on the window grille of her room.
It’s funny to feel that ring on her finger when you hold her hand firmly.
It’s funny to take we-fies every time when we’re visiting a picturesque location.
It’s funny when I consider how we’ll be changing our statuses in a few months.
It’s funny to think that we’ll share the same roof — our roof — soon.
It’s funny to have loved, quarelled, argued, reconciled and then love again.
It’s funny to have heard her say “You watched Frozen with another woman” with a hint of jealousy in the tone of her voice [1]. 
It’s funny to share a laugh and be laughed at.
It’s funny to love and be loved.
[1] Maybe it’s the way she said it too.

A future together

It’s tempting to believe that the transition from being a single to a married person is anything but seamless. For one, I’ve only begun to understand how making a decision on the fly doesn’t work when it’s no longer a consideration to be made for one (as opposed to two people). And being an introvert and a self-proclaimed recluse for the longest of time does not make wedding preparations all that easy.

Extenuating circumstances now dictate that the big day will be simple and possibly without frills. It is also likely that the big day will take place under the pall of uncertainty and a torrent of unwanted emotions. Hand on heart, I have never imagined — in my wildest dreams — that reality differ so radically from what I thought would happen when I’ll be putting that ring on her finger.

Whenever I look at her, I wish life could be easier and simpler. I wish I could give her something better than what the other married women in my life are enjoying. I wish the past year hasn’t been that challenging so much so that my situation has been a constant, year-long worrisome affair for her. 

Everyday I pick up hints and ideas from my observations about how much I mean to her (and she to me). Some of her expressions of love and care were made through gritted teeth and streams of tears. The others are in the form of a shared folder filled with photos of our time together. It put paid to the past ideas I had nursed and brought about a new (and major) reason to live on for love.

It’s easy to take things for granted. It’s easy to miss the simplest things that mean so much that they should be priceless in any relationship. It’s easy to lapse into a routine without so much consider the significance of each word and action. 

Life and love are in essence simple things but we have the tendency to introduce stuff to make them convoluted and complex. 

Change… at my own pace, please

Once upon a time, I thought I would write loads when I’m in a relationship.

Actually I did write, but the words are all hanging on their dear lives in a word document somewhere. Some of them found themselves stuck in an elongated field on an Excel spreadsheet. I’ve yet to save them and am depending on the powers of M/S’ ability to help the computer remember them.

But for posterity’s sake, they shall find their homes here eventually; it’s back to this place where I speak from my heart most of the time.